SATIRE
Kim Jong Un-explained Mysteries
Divine refutations and elucidation from the Supreme Leader
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Greetings to you plebian anti-democratic vestibules of the World!
I am the great and illimitable leader of the greatest empire to ever be seen under the light of the commanding sun.
As I am sure you know, I am referring to our dear nation of undivided beliefs — the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.
All hail to me, your dear Leader!
I am reaching out across the great expanse of salted waters to challenge your so-called knowledge in the West. I am here to set the CD straight.
Many of my willing and loving gudgeons at home have recently pointed out Yankees have many misunderstandings of my greatness.
After cutting off their points, I decided to write to you imbecilic morons directly.
You may now bow down in my greatness and self love me all night.
Mystery #1 — Why am I large when my people are not?
I cannot postulate the abhorrent ignorance of this question’s simplicity. It is a simple answer, but too simple for your peoples, apparently.
For I, Kim Jong Un, am composed of 98% muscle.
You rotund bastards in the West have merely no frame of reference to possibly understand how much skeletal muscle I have, and therefore are content to call me “fat.”
Come to my home and I will show you fat!
As for my magnificently satiated people in the greatest country, they are merely fasting. How did you not know this?
Every day when I peer through the great internet firewall of DPRK, I see butterball Yankees trying out ‘Intermittent Fasting’.
Fools! We have been perfecting this for decades!
Come here and I will teach you how to truly end up in a fasted state.
Mystery #2 — Why does the great Leader kill his brothers and uncles?
Let me ask you a more important question, why don’t you kill your family members?
