Five Things That Have Tried to Kill Me in the Last Two Weeks
It has been two weeks since I last wrote. I beg your forgiveness, but I feel my absence has been warranted. For if you believe in the laws of magnetism, then know I have inadvertently fallen into a new form of the magic — the universe is now attracted to killing me.
#1. The Taiwanese Spider Queen
My first point of evidence occurred roughly two weeks ago. I had driven down to the southern edge of Taiwan with friends for what we thought would be a fun-filled weekend. Several hours and beers later, I wandered off to my tent-hut to recuperate.
I climbed up the short ladder, crawled over top my sleeping bag, laid down, and turned on my phone.
Three inches of pregnant anger jumped in the air. It stood there, facing me, daring me to move. It raised up its fists in a challenge I could not accept.
I retreated to the campground bar to heal my pride.
#2. The Taiwanese Face Crawler
The second incident was but a short while later. After consuming enough courage and asking advice of more seasoned peers, I returned to the tent-hut gallant and prideful. Lights on. I looked high and low. No enemy in sight. Peaceful sleep would soon befriend me.
As I lay on my back, I millennialed and opened my phone for one last glimpse of wasted time.
Then something huge crawled up my cheek.
I’ve never slapped someone so hard in my life — let alone myself. The beast flew off my face and hit the tent-flaps with a thud. Being full of courage, I flipped over in an instant and used my expert millenial-tuned phone instincts to shine light upon my foe. There, on its back, lay the largest god…